Cramping 101

warning: this blog contains descriptions of graphic violence, female issues, and stuff that is just plain gross. not for the faint-of-heart or the easily-offended. read at your own risk.

today's meeting for work was 4 hours long. bleh. and i basically have the worst luck ever. the past two months i've started cramping at work, of all places! due to female issues of the once-a-month sort. now i know that at least 50% of my readers are male, so if you've ever wanted to know how cramping feels try this:

YOU WILL NEED: a pair of scissors (non-safety), duct tape, a golf ball, some matches/a lighter, a rusty 6" - 12" knife, and a close friend (or enemy, either one).

TO BEGIN: take your non-safety scissors and cut open your lower stomach area, exposing your large and small intestine. locate your small intestine (hint: it's usually the smaller looking rope of gross pinkness) and proceed to pull it all out of your body, tie a few large knots in it (doesn't matter where) and stuff it all back in however you like. you can use duct tape to seal yourself back up.
STEP 2: have your friend kick you in your lower back a few times. maybe beat you with a baseball bat a little.
STEP 3: swallow the golf ball. it might get stuck in your throat... but that's all part of the experience :)now here comes the fun part!
STEP 4: take your rusty knife and begin stabbing yourself in the lower stomach. it should go nearly all the way in. then either you or your friend give your stomach a few good punches. proceed with rotating back and forth between the stabbing and punching for about an hour or so.
STEP 5: after about an hour has passed light yourself on fire and induce vomiting. then have your friend continue with the stabbing and punching to the lower stomach until either (a) you pass out or (b) your friend passes out.
sounds fantastic huh? i know you can't wait to try it.

so now that you get an idea of how it feels... next time a female friend/relative/whatever informs you that she is cramping you should do everything in your power to make her feel better - buy her chocolate, offer her a back massage (if that's okay), or just let her know that you can't really relate, but heard somewhere that it really sucks and you hope she feels better.
=)